4 years ago, an accident took my beloved away and very often I wonder,
how does my wife, who is now in the heavenly realm, feel right now? She
must be feeling extremely sad for leaving a husband who is incapable of
taking care of the house and the kid. 'cos that is the exact feeling that
I have, as I feel that I have failed to provide for the physical and emotional
needs of my child, and failed to be the dad and mum for my child.
There was one particular day, when I had an emergency at work. Hence, I
had to leave home whilst my child was still sleeping. So thinking that
there was still rice leftover, I hastily cooked an egg and left after
informing my sleepy child.
With the double roles, I am often exhausted at work as well as when I am
home. So after a long day, I came home, totally drained of all energy.
So with just a brief hug and kiss to my child, I went straight into the
room, skipping dinner. However, when I jumped into my bed with intention
of just having a well-deserved sleep, all I heard and felt was broken porcelain
and warm liquid! I flipped open my blanket, and there lies the source of
the 'problem'... a broken bowl with instant noodles and a mess on the bed sheet
and blanket!
Boy! I was mad! I was so furious that I took a clothes hanger, charged
straight at my child who was happily playing with his toy, and gave him
a good spanking! He merely cried but not asking for mercy, except a short
explanation:
"Dad, I was hungry and there wasn't any more leftover rice. But you
were not back yet; hence I wanted to cook some instant noodles. But I remembered
you reminding me not to touch or use the gas stove without any adults around,
hence I turned on the shower and used the hot water from the bathroom to
cook the noodles... One is for you and the other is for me. However, I was
afraid that the noodles will turn cold, so I hid it under the blanket to
keep it warm till you return. But I forgot to remind you 'cos I was playing
with my toys...I am sorry Dad..."
At that moment, tears were starting to run down my cheeks...but I didn't
want my son to see his dad crying so I dashed into the bathroom and cried
with the shower head on to mask my cries. After that episode, I went to
my son to give him a tight hug and applied medication on him, while coaxing
him to sleep. Then, it was time to clear up the mess on the bed. When everything
was done and well past midnight, I passed my son's room, and saw that he
was still crying, not from the pain on his little buttock, but from looking
at the photograph of his beloved mummy.
A year has passed since the episode; I have tried, in this period, to focus
on giving him both the love of his dad and mum, and to attend to most of
his needs. And soon, he is turning seven, and will be graduating from kindergarten...
Fortunately, the incident did not leave a lasting impression on his childhood
memories and he is still happily growing up.
However, not so long ago, I hit my boy again, with much regret. This time,
his kindergarten teacher called, informing me of my son's absence from
school. I took off early from work and went home, expecting him to explain.
But he wasn't to be found, so I went around our house, calling out his
name and eventually found him outside a stationery shop, happily playing
computer games. I was fuming, brought him home and whack the hell out of
him. He did not retaliate, except to say, 'I am sorry, Dad'. But after
much probing, I realized that it was a 'Talent Show' organized by his school
and the invite is for every student's mummy. And that was the reason for
his absence as he has no mummy.....
Few days after the caning, my son came home to tell me, the kindergarten
has recently taught him how to read and write. Since then, he has kept
to himself and stayed in his room to practice his writing, which I am sure,
would make my wife proud, if she was still around. 'cos he makes me proud
too!
Time passes by very quickly, and soon another year has passed. It's winter,
and its Diwali time. Everywhere the Diwali spirit is on, in every nook and corner Diwali
crackers and frantic shoppers....but alas, my son got into another trouble.
When I was about to knock off from the day's work, the post office called.
Due to the peak season, the post master was also on an edgy mood. He called
to tell me that my son has attempted to post several letters with no addressee.
Although I did make a promise never to hit my son again, I couldn't help
but to hit him as I feel that this child of mine is really beyond control.
Once again, as before, he apologized, ' I'm sorry, Dad' and no additional
reason to explain. I pushed him towards a corner, went to the post office
to collect the letters with no addressee and came home, and angrily questioned
my son on his prank, during this time of the year.
His answer, amidst his sobbing, was : The letters were for Mummy.
My eyes grew teary, but I tried to control my emotions and continued to
ask him: " But why did u post so many letters, at one time?"
My son's reply was: " I have been writing to mummy for a long time,
but each time I reach out for the post box, it was too high for me, hence
I was not able to post the letters. But recently, when I went back to the
postbox, I could reach it and I sent it all at once..."
After hearing this, I was lost. Lost at not knowing what to do, what to
say.....
I told my son, " Son, mummy is in the heavenly kingdom, so in future,
if you have anything to tell her, just burn the letter and it will reach
mummy. My son, on hearing this, was much pacified and calm, and soon after,
he was sleeping soundly. On promising that I will burn the letters on his
behalf, I brought the letters outside, but couldnt help opening the letter
before they turn to ash.
And one of the letters broke my heart....
Dear Mummy,
I miss you so much! Today, there was a 'Talent Show' in school, and
the school invited all mothers for the show. But you are not around, so
I did not want to participate as well. I did not tell Dad about it as I
was afraid that Dad would start to cry and miss you all over again. Dad
went around looking for me, but in order to hide my sadness, I sat in front
of the computer and started playing games at one of the shops. Dad was
furious, and he couldnt help it but scolded and hit me, but I did not tell
him the real reason. Mummy, everyday I see Dad missing you and whenever
he thinks of you, he is so sad and often hide and cry in his room.. I
think we both miss you very very much. Too much for our own good I think..
But Mummy, I am starting to forget your face. Can you please appear in
my dreams so that I can see your face and remember you? I heard that if
you fall asleep with the photograph of the person whom you miss, you will
see the person in your dreams. But mummy, why havent you appeared?
After reading the letter, I cant stop sobbing 'cos I can never replace
the irreplaceable gap left behind by my wife....
For the women with children:
Don't do so much overtime. If you cannot finish the work, it must be some kind of problems within the company , and it is not your sole problem. Feedback to your boss. Endless overtime may not necessarily be the answer to the problem. Take care of your health so that you can treasure and take care of your little precious one.
For the married men:
Drink less, smoke less, cause nothing can replace your good health, not even business nor clients.
Try thinking this way, are you able to work till your clients are totally dependent on you? or your boss is totally dependent on you? In this society, no one is indispensable.
Take care of your health, so that you can take care of your little precious one
and your loved ones.
